


nakakainis, nakakamiss

by jjingobingo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, Strangers to Friends, Tagalog, Travel, mentions of cheating, tagalog fic
Language: Wikang Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 19:24:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15669717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjingobingo/pseuds/jjingobingo
Summary: “always remember we fell in love in switzerland but note that I liked you already one cold midnight in japan. i loved you even more when i had you in tottori, baekhyun, i loved you, i love you, i am still loving you. kahit saan ako magpunta, ikaw ang mahal ko at mamahalin ko.”





	nakakainis, nakakamiss

**Author's Note:**

> hello! another fic to rot in ao3~
> 
> i wrote this for three consecutive days dahil baka mawala sa isip ko at pagsisihan ko sa huli kapag hindi ko inilabas. maybe it was the weather that made me do this, or the song i was listening to while writing. 
> 
> had so much fun writing this, even cried while doing so. para kasing deja vu, parang naranasan ko na. idk if it's just me pero iyak ako ng iyak. 
> 
> i would like to thank L for being there since the xiuchen fic. thank you for pointing out my strengths and weaknesses in writing, thank you for cheering me up. 
> 
> thank you, eevee, the band, for being an inspiration. non-stop ang pagtugtog nila for the last three days. sa totoo lang, the song has nothing to do with the fic. you can say that this fic is another way of promoting them hakhak. please support them~ 
> 
>  
> 
> i do not own the characters, chanyeol and baekhyun, i do not own the lyrics i included in this fic (i hyperlink-ed it naman). 
> 
> this is unbeta-ed, if there are grammatical errors, i'm sorry.
> 
> please enjoy!

parang isang malabong memorya sa isip ni chanyeol noong unang beses silang magkita at magkakilala. kailangan nyang ulit-ulitin at balik-balikan dahil kung hindi, baka tuluyan nyang makalimutan.

 

gabi noon. pasado ala una ng hatinggabi. maulan at malamig. alas kuwatro pa ng umaga ang flight nya at tamang tama lang na ganitong oras ay dapat nasa airport na sya. nakapag check-in na sya, nakuha na nya ang boarding  pass and all dalawang oras bago ang scheduled departure nya.

 

bitbit ang dala nyang kape from starbucks, naupo sya sa isang bench. ipinatong nya ang guitar gig bag nya sa tabi nya at nasakop nito ang buong upuan and his suitcase placed between his thighs.

 

his earphones was blasting some kind of acoustic music. tamang tama sa weather that time. maulan. malamig. chill.

 

paubos na ang kape nya nang biglang may kumalabit sakanya. that person said something pero hindi na maintindihan so he tugged his earphones and asked what was the person was saying again. politely. pero may hint ng pagka-annoyed.

 

“i was asking if I can sit beside you? please remove the guitar bag?” the person was asking nicely, to be very honest pero ang dami daming upu—

 

lumingon-lingon si chanyeol but yeah, no other seats. lahat ay taken na at sya lang itong mag-isa na nakaupo sa bench with his guitar occupying the rest of the space.

 

“ah—yes. you can.” chanyeol was flustered. nakaramdam sya ng hiya because he acted like ipinagdadamot nya yung space. the guy murmur a soft “thanks” bago maupo and settle his things beside him, sa space between them. nabunggo pa nga si chanyeol ng backpack nito but he did not make fuss about it. petty ampota.

 

chanyeol was fiddling over his phone, scrolling on his playlist then tapped a certain song. he would be listening to it peacefully kaso biglang nagsalita yung guy beside him.

 

“ah, jensen and the flips? good choice sana kaso the issue about them was kind of disappointing.” what the hell? was he peaking over chanyeol’s phone? chanyeol gave him a weird look like _what-the-fuck- are-you-doing-looking-over-my-phone_ kind of look.

 

chanyeol was taken aback nung nag-flash ng full smile yung guy beside him. crescent eyes and seems like rectangle smile. sobrang weird! tapos may peace sign.

 

“sorry. nakita ko lang kasi! please don’t creep out.” sabi nito at tumawa ng bahagya pero malakas.

 

chanyeol tapped the ‘pause’ button bago tanggalin completely yung earphones nya at humarap sa guy beside him.

 

“now that you said it, sobrang creepy mo.” chanyeol made this annoyed expression. the guy with rectangle smile snorts.

 

“nahagip lang ng mata ko. i'm sorry, kuya.” he bit his lips because of shame, probably.

 

“it’s fine.” sumulyap si chanyeol sa passport na hawak nito at doon naka-ipit ang boarding pass, saying that this guy will be flying to singapore. chanyeol suddenly realized na delayed ang flight ng Singapore. it was announced earlier, narinig nya lang kanina and it was flashed sa television.

 

the guy cleared his throat kaya tinignan ito ni chanyeol.

 

“yep, delayed flight. mamaya pang 3am departure ko so I have to kill time.” chanyeol let out a long yet uninterested _ahhhh_ then nodded. “ikaw, anong oras flight mo, kuya?”

 

“4am pa.” chanyeol said. the guy nodded din.

 

“you have to kill time, too.” chanyeol just shrugged.

 

the guy kept on prying and talking to him. it’s fine with chanyeol but to think that they are not close and practically strangers to each other, ayaw nya ng ganoon. it’s really creepy pero mukhang sanay na sanay na yung taong katabi nya.

 

“oh, you must be travelling lang right? vacation, perhaps? you packed so light kasi. hehehe.” pati yung luggage nya napansin din?! this guy is really unbelievable. at _nakakainis_ yung tawa nya! that _hehehe_ kept ringing on chanyeol’s ears. fuck.

 

“you talk way too much, no?” blunt na pagkakasabi ni chanyeol. wala na syang pake kung lumabas man syang rude dito pero naiinis na talaga si chanyeol.

 

“ah! yes. do i sound pakialamero to you? ganoon yata talaga kapag writer. even the smallest thing, you will notice. by the way, i am baekhyun nga pala!” the guy—baekhyun—said cheerfully and extended his arms. ang daming sinabi ni baekhyun. he was not even offended at chanyeol’s direct remark. nainis lalo si chanyeol. ugh.

 

he hesitated but shook hands with baekhyun. he nodded as an acknowledgement and baekhyun widen his smile. gusto mag-cringe ni chanyeol dahil sa rectangle na ngiti ni baekhyun but if he does, he did not show it.

 

“chanyeol.” chanyeol gave him a tight smile and retreated his hand. he was about to put his earphones on again but baekhyun spoke.

 

“hey, chanyeol. i’m rotten bored here. let’s play a game?” chanyeol mentally face palm. hindi ba titigil talaga si baekhyun? he doesn’t even know how to shut his mouth at panay istorbo kay chanyeol. even suggested stupid game.

 

hindi nabigyan ng chance na makatanggi si chanyeol dahil in-explain na ni baekhyun yung mechanics. they will just say different airport codes hanggang sa maubusan sila. baekhyun was doing this to kill time pero parang si chanyeol yata ang mamamatay dito sa kakulitan ni baekhyun.

 

“fine.”  

 

“i'll start! GMP.”

“ICN.”

“HND.”

“SIN.”

“HKG.”

“MNL. wala na akong maisip.”

“PEK.”

“TPE.”

 

gabi noon. pasado ala una ng hatinggabi. maulan at malamig. naubos ang oras ng paghihintay ni baekhyun sa laro nilang dalawa. walang natalo, walang nanalo. that is because they travelled a lot, pareho na silang may experience sa pangingibang bansa. be it for a living or just a vacation. naubos ang oras pero hindi ang airport codes. naubos ang oras kasabay ng pagkaubos ng inis ni chanyeol. he thought that night na gets nya si baekhyun; na observation improves writing skills. na-realize ni chanyeol na itong ang ginagawa nya when he’s writing songs.

 

naubos ang oras pero hindi ang kwento ni baekhyun.

 

naubos ang oras at departure na ni baekhyun.

 

he stood up and gathered his things. isinukbit nito yung backpack nya at iniayos yung beanie. he pulled the handle of his suitcase. chanyeol stood up, too.

 

“hey chanyeol, it was nice knowing you.” baekhyun flashed the, well, rectangle smile again. chanyeol brushed him off.

 

“i did not say anything about me. puro ikaw lang ang nag-kwento. you’re a blabbermouth, ni hindi ako makasingit.” chanyeol laughed lowly.

 

“ah! when we meet again, it’s your turn naman to tell me about you and your escapades.” baekhyun expectantly said. so he’s hoping for next time. chanyeol doubt that. his and baekhyun’s path won’t cross again, chanyeol thought.

 

“sure.” chanyeol said it anyway. he returned the smile of baekhyun with a nod. the man walked away after bidding his final goodbye.

 

chanyeol slumped down. he still have an hour to wait for his departure. tahimik ang paligid. and it felt so empty at some point.

 

\-----

 

pangalawang pagkikita nila ay hindi sinasadya.

 

nagulat si chanyeol.

 

maraming nangyari sakanya at sa buhay nya bilang isang indibidwal at propesyonal na musikero. his job  required flying in and out of the country. nakalimutan na din nya ang naia incident completely at nagulat talaga sya nang mag-krus ulit ang landas nila ni baekhyun one time sa japan.

 

it was wee hours of night in japan. kakatapos lang ng gig nila chanyeol and they really had fun performing in front of pinoys na kilala ang banda nila. they were walking on their way home nang bigla nyang makabangga ang isang lalaki.

 

he was about to say sorry only to realize that this person was very familiar.

 

“you were the airport guy!” chanyeol exclaimed. what was his name again…? baekhyun…?

 

“chanyeol! oh my god. we meet again!” baekhyun was bundled with a thick jacket and a scarf on his neck, hands stuffed inside his pockets. he was struggling to speak because his lips were shaking and teeth chattering because of the cold weather.  

 

“tara, tara sa loob ng coffee shop. i believe there is, somewhere.” sumenyas si chanyeol sa mga ka-banda nya to go home without him and lead baekhyun sa isang coffee shop na malapit.

 

sobrang dami pa rin ng tao at this kind of hour but what was baekhyun doing outside? alone? without any companion? it might be dangerous. lalo na at naglisawan ang mga lasing.

 

nakisiksik sila sa mga tao na nagmamadaling maglakad. chanyeol was holding baekhyun on his shoulder. nasa likod sya nito. they went inside sa coffee shop na bukas. kaunti lang ang tao kaya naman dumeretcho na sila sa counter.

 

“order what you want, my treat.” chanyeol nodded and and took out his wallet to fish some yen cash. baekhyun ordered something chanyeol did not heard. inabot nya lang yung pera kay baekhyun. they were instructed to sit na at ise-serve nalang yung orders nila.

 

“lasing ka ba?” unang tanong ni baekhyun sakanila nung naupo sila. chanyeol shook his head and smiled ng konti at tumingin kay baekhyun with mapungay na mata.

 

“gago ka.” natawa si baekhyun. natawa din si chanyeol. wala namang nakakatawa pero tumawa sila. maybe it’s the alcohol he took earlier. o baka yung presence ni baekhyun na at some point, weirdly, ay pamilyar.

 

“hoy, it’s your turn to tell me ‘bout yourself. go na!” baekhyun said. he propped his elbow on the table and put his chin on his palm, almost ready to listen to chanyeol’s stories.

 

“well, i travel for a living. i am a musician, i have my own band. i am here in japan because we were invited to perform. nothing big but the pay is worth it.” baekhyun nodded and let out a long _oohhhh kaya palaaaaa_.

 

“…but where’s your guitar?” sabi ni baekhyun. usisero talaga. he’s still the same guy he met months ago.

 

“ang dami mong tanong.” chanyeol said with his annoyed tone and rolled his eyes on baekhyun jokingly. he smiled afterwards and baekhyun kind of chuckled behind his palm.

 

“para namang hindi ka sanay sa akin.” baekhyun said, his bow lips quirked a little. chanyeol lifted his right brow, amused.

 

“this is our second meeting. syempre hindi ako sanay, and I won’t get used to it. ever.” he said. their order suddenly came and served by the waiter. baekhyun ordered two cups of americano and two slices of cheesecake. they said their thank yous to the waiter. silence.

 

only the sound of their sipped was audible. only the sound of the coffee grinder was audible. even the small whisper of the few people inside the coffee shop sounded a little bit louder.

 

chanyeol decided to break the thickening silence between them by clearing his throat before speaking.

 

“what are you doing here?” he asked.

 

“i presented a paper earlier here in japan. took a night walk because i could not sleep then I bumped into you.” baekhyun said while looking at chanyeol. the taller man felt uncomfortable with that stares. he hated that kind of stares. he felt like baekhyun was glaring at his soul.

 

“how did it go?” chanyeol sipped on his Americano.

 

“well. well, that I have to redo everything and I only have three days to do that.” nawala lahat ng saya sa mukha ni baekhyun. his mask fell off and he started sobbing quietly. nags-shake ang shoulders nito and chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. he hated the feeling of someone crying in front of him. he hated comforting other people pero nagulat si chanyeol sa sarili nya dahil tumayo sya at umupo sa tabi ni baekhyun. he started rubbing and patting baekhyun’s back pero lalong umiyak ito with the intensity of his shaking shoulders. fuck. bahala na.

 

he pulled baekhyun to his chest and started whispering words that could calm him down. gladly, it worked. baekhyun was drying his eyes pero hindi pa rin sya lumalayo. nakadukdok pa rin sya sa dibdib ni chanyeol.

 

imbes na makaramdam ng inis si chanyeol, he felt the warmness of the body beside him.

 

warm na parang ang sarap i-embrace lalo. dala siguro ng malamig na panahon kaya naman chanyeol tighten his hold around baekhyun’s shoulder. the man beside him let out a tiny noise. he imagined baekhyun pouting while fixing his face.

 

lumipas na ang mga minuto’t oras, lumamig na ang kanilang mga kape, napabayaan na ang cheesecake, kumaunti na ang mga tao sa labas but chanyeol and baekhyun stayed like that. stayed like that for an hour or so. baekhyun sniffling under him, chanyeol breathing against his hair. they stay glued to each other and weird because that was their second meeting but it felt familiar.

 

there was the word again. _familiar._ hindi alam ni chanyeol kung matatakot ba sya or masasanay.

 

\----

 

their third meeting was planned.

 

sa pagitan ng paghihintay nila sa susunod nilang pagkikita, they’ve got each other’s social media accounts, commented on each other’s posts and tweets and even updates in instagram. they occasionally chatted for few hours just to kill time kapag pareho silang online.

 

nalaman ni chanyeol na okay yung result nung papers ni baekhyun na prinesent nya sa japan. his co-workers helped him and finished it before the deadline. chanyeol congratulated him for that.

 

they decided to meet again somewhere in bulacan since pareho silang nasa pilipinas at may libreng oras. may gig si chanyeol and baekhyun decided to watch. they performed a couple of songs that baekhyun heard somewhere but couldn’t figure out where. chanyeol’s band must be really famous kung ganoon. he was humming along, sending rectangle smiles to chanyeol whenever he looked at baekhyun’s way.

 

after chanyeol’s band set, nag-inuman sila for a long while. tinitiis ang ingay ng sumunod na banda. napagod sila magsigawan sa tenga ng isa’t-isa so they decided to drive somewhere else. chanyeol brought them sa Figaro sa may gilid ng caltex somewhere along mc arthur highway, near university.

 

there are no dramas this time. walang umiyak at walang nagpatahan. it’s just them exchanging stories about their previous and recent escapades. chanyeol told him stories about his first time visit in tottori, japan. chanyeol told him how healing it was to stay there. the beach, the sand dunes, the mountains, everything about tottori was calm and peaceful and it would be a perfect place to relax. baekhyun just listened until chanyeol ran out of words. that was the first time chanyeol talked too much and actually opened himself up to baekhyun.

 

puro tawanan lang sila noong gabi iyon. sobrang gaan ng atmosphere, sobrang familiar despite of meeting only thrice. baekhyun smiled the whole time. he was enjoying this kind of conversation with chanyeol. it’s…it’s…something baekhyun craved for.

 

they parted their ways with a promise of meeting again as soon as possible.

 

they parted their ways with a _call me when you arrived home_ and _yes, i will. thank you for tonight._

 

they parted their ways with a swell on their hearts.

 

they parted their ways with _that_ foreign yet familiar feelings lingering on them.

 

 

 _bulacan…bulacan will never be the same._ chanyeol thought.

 

\----

 

nasundan ang pangatlo nilang pagkikita ng fourth time, fifth time, sixth time. drinking coffees, dining outside, chugging beers and other alcoholic drinks.

 

somewhere along seventh to ninth time, baekhyun asked chanyeol to travel with him.

 

“sama ka? switzerland. my friend backed out and i have a spare ticket.” baekhyun said while slurping bulalo. nasa tagaytay sila noon. sumama si baekhyun sa gig ng banda ni chanyeol since he got some free time to procrastinate. sunod-sunod na tango ang isinagot ni chanyeol habang busy sya kainin yung mais.

 

"yeah, first time?" chanyeol asked. umiling si baekhyun.

 

"nope. second. i've been there last year."

 

"are you writing articles again?" tanong ni chanyeol as he downed the bowl of bulalo. pinunasan ni chanyeol ang tirang sebo sa bibig nya with wet wipes na dala ni baekhyun.

 

"unfortunately, yes. tatapusin ko na bago tayo mag switzerland para wala na akong iisipin kapag nandon na tayo." baekhyun said. he pushed the bowl. may konting tira pero mostly ay gulay lang.

 

"bakit parang tamad na tamad ka?" chanyeol chuckled and passed the wet wipes back to baekhyun.

 

"eh paano, ipinasa lang sa akin yung article na yun. hindi naman talaga ako ang nakatoka na magsulat noon. tangina." from there, baekhyun ranted about his _bulok na office mate_ all night long. matyagang nakinig si chanyeol sa mga hinaing ni baekhyun hanggang sa mapagod ito. they decided to drive out of tagatay at umuwi na.

 

somewhere between their seventh to ninth time, baekhyun asked him to stay the night for the first time.

 

chanyeol hesitated but agreed because it was not supposed to rain heavily but there it goes. sobrang hassle to drive pa-bulacan. baekhyun offered a warm cup of coffee, an oversized pajama, an oversized shirt and his own bed to sleep on.

 

"eh paano ka?" chanyeol asked in the middle of drying his hair after a minute long of shower.

 

"may foam ako somewhere, i can sleep on the floor." baekhyun said habang nagtitimpla ng kape sa maliit nyang kitchen. he's on his pajama and shirt already. _cute._

 

"nah, tabi na tayo. your bed is bigger than i expected, i think it will do." chanyeol wiggled his eyebrows with a sheepish smile. binalibag ni baekhyun ang pot holder sa direksyon ni chanyeol pero nakaiwas ito.

 

"bastos! sa lapag ka matulog!" halatang nagb-blush si baekhyun pero pilit nitong tinatago ang mukha.

 

"ohh, sounds domestic." pang-aasar lalo ni chanyeol. malakas na tawa ang pinakawalan nito bago hayaang mag timpla si baekhyun ng kape. sumigaw ng GAGO si baekhyun from the kitchen at mas lalong namatay kakatawa si chanyeol habang inaayos yung hihigaan nila ni baekhyun.

 

hindi nya alam kung tatabi ba ito sakanya or not kaya pareho nyang sinet ang kama pati na rin ang foam sa lapag.

 

baekhyun was back with two cups of coffee at isang loaf ng banana bread. they settled for a small talks about the chilly weather, about the bulalo they ate, about chanyeol's gig.

 

"hoy, dami nyong fans. saw your fan club sa twitter. why settle for small gigs, hm?" baekhyun, out of curiosity, asked.

 

"small gigs ba yung japan performance at yung ma-invite kami sa thailand?" chanyeol munched a slice of banana bread. brows knitted together and it made him look…attractive?

 

"i mean, dito sa pinas. you have the potential. may pinanghahawakan na yung banda nyo, you have lots of fans na dadayuhin kayo kahit saan." napaisip bigla si chanyeol. baekhyun suggesting some strategies, it sounded good.

 

"i will tell that to my band mates. some other time. paalala mo sakin. we're still busy preparing for our ep kaya big gigs here is kind of off the table." baekhyun nodded.

 

"edi nagsusulat ka ng kanta niyan?" curious ulit si baekhyun.

 

"ang dami mong tanong pero yes. i am."

 

"parinig nga! i have my kuya's guitar sa may gilid ng closet!"

 

"huh? it was like, four lines. ano mangyayari dun?"

 

"sige na, chanyeol!" hirit ni baekhyun. it's just a matter of minutes before chanyeol stood up and reached for the old guitar. itinono nya ito at tinipa nang bahagya. baekhyun watched him sat on the other end of the bed, legs crossed while the guitar sat on his knee. he sighed deeply before he started.

 

1...2...3...

 _hindi kita gusto_  
lalong hindi kita trip  
magkaibigan lang tayo

_yun lang…_

 

in between those four lines, sumusulyap si chanyeol.

 

in between those four lines, bakit parang kumirot ang puso ni baekhyun?

 

apat na linya pero bakit parang chanyeol had told him a whole story at iyon na yun. tapos na. hindi na puwede pang dugtungan. he just…said it all. isang bagsakan.

 

in between those four lines, nakaramdam ng yamot si baekhyun towards chanyeol.

 

it was left unspoken pero baekhyun thought, _nakakainis._

after that night, hindi na nasundan ang pagkikita nila.

 

nagr-reach out  si chanyeol in between those times pero sa bawat aya ni chanyeol, palaging tumatanggi si baekhyun. sa bawat invite ni chanyeol, be it gigs or hohol, puro _can’t make it tonight_ at _i'm busy._ pero ang pinaka-malala ay ang _ayoko_ na reply na natanggap ni chanyeol from the latter.

 

_ayoko._

 

technically, baekhyun was declining chanyeol’s invitation pero bakit feeling ni chanyeol ay baekhyun was telling another story with that word.

 

bakit parang iba ang dating kay chanyeol?

 

bakit parang bumubuo ng isang malaking barrier si baekhyun between them?

 

bakit nakakaramdam ng guilt si chanyeol?

 

bakit parang it has something to do with that one night chanyeol played and sang those lines?

 

bakit parang naging komplikado lahat simula nung maghiwalay sila ni baekhyun sa apartment nito?

 

bakit…bakit…bakit…nasasaktan si chanyeol?

 

_nakakainis._

 

isang oras ang lumipas at nagreply si chanyeol sa text ni baekhyun.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          **chanyeol** : switzerland. is it still on?

 

 **baekhyun:** yup. see you.

 

\----

 

switzerland was their tenth time meeting each other.

 

chanyeol thought it would be awkward. yung mga pag-iwas ni baekhyun at constant declination of his invite, all of those sat on the back of his mind. he was afraid to say something, do something na mas lalong makakapag-push kay baekhyun to really stay away from him.

 

but no one will stop him, chanyeol thought. after all, they were just acquaintances who both enjoy same kind of hobbies, travelling. baekhyun can leave and drop chanyeol mid-way. he won’t stop the smaller man.

 

so expected ni chanyeol na baekhyun would be distant to him but no. he was completely wrong.

 

and dumbfounded nung kinawit ni baekhyun ang braso nito sa braso nya. chanyeol jumped a little and thrashed his head to look at baekhyun.

 

the smaller man was looking at him with crescent eyes and rectangle smile, canine teeth was visible and the bow of his lip was hard to miss. chanyeol furrowed his brows. not with the way baekhyun acted nor the way he smiled up at him.

 

but with the way his heart hammered his chest at that moment. with the way his breath hitched and somehow caught mid-way.

 

_putangina, ano ‘to?_

 

hindi na matandaan ni chanyeol kung paano sya bumalik sa realidad, kung paano sila nag check-in at kung paano sila nakasakay sa eroplano but he remembered how they spent the hellish 16 hours of plane ride bickering and laughing at each other almost clearly.

 

how they made fun of each other’s airplane ride habits, how they took picture of one another when one was in deep sleep, mouth hanging open and how chanyeol decided to measure baekhyun’s foot, how large his’ compared to baekhyun’s.

 

chanyeol clearly remembered how baekhyun snapped five pictures of their feet; chanyeol wearing baekhyun’s slippers kasi _ganyan lang kaliit paa mo?!_ and the smaller man answered _what do you expect, maliit akong tao, no!_

 

chanyeol remembered how baekhyun smiled on his phone while uploading the chosen picture of their feet. he shook his head at how childish baekhyun is.

 

sobrang babaw ng kaligayan.

 

 ----

 

in switzerland, baekhyun got them a nice accommodation house. warm and welcoming. it felt almost like home. they unpacked their suitcases and arranged it properly. they shared a room with two single beds. sobrang spacious at okay ang furniture.

 

in switzerland, they took a night walk off to bern station. maraming tao dahil may mga citizens na nagp-play ng drums using plastic materials. they decided to leave the place nang makaramdam silang dalawa ng gutom. it was a one cold night in january. nanginginig sila pareho. unconsciously, they walked side by side, shoulders bumping and glued together kasi it helps daw to lessen the coldness. they dined in a korean restaurant and it somehow felt so familiar on baekhyun’s part. madalas sya sa south korea before, madalas din sya sa korean restaurant in philippines kaya naman sobrang chill lang sya. they ordered and ate happily.

 

in switzerland, both of them slept uncomfortably dahil sobrang lamig. chanyeol, in the middle of the night, suggested na tabi na sila matulog. chanyeol expected na aangal at tatanggi si baekhyun but the smaller man groggily crossed the space between them and tucked himself under chanyeol’s thick blanket. lalong nagulat si chanyeol nang yumakap ito sakanya.

 

in switzerland, mag-kayakap sila. and it somehow felt like nasa japan sila. that one cold night in the busy street of japan, sa loob ng coffee shop, tahimik at amoy kape. naalala lahat yun ni chanyeol. pati yung init na dala ng katawan ni baekhyun when they were in japan, nararamdaman nya pa rin ngayon. it was all the same. walang nagbago. it was all the same. nandoon pa rin yung familiarity na namiss ni chanyeol bigla. on the other hand, baekhyun felt safe that night. he felt secured at sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. hindi alam ni baekhyun kung paano nya haharapin si chanyeol bukas pero bahala na. sumiksik sya lalo and sighed heavily when chanyeol, _again_ ¸ tightened his hold onto baekhyun’s small frame.

 

in switzerland, it was a blur. they stocked the accommodation house’s kitchen and cooked. baekhyun discovered that chanyeol cooked well. while chanyeol discovered na mahilig mag-capture ng picture si baekhyun, ultimo bintana, dahon at street. they took a selca with zytglogge mechanical clock tower and in federal palace switzerland as the background. a citizen with a good heart told them to pose and he will snap a picture of them in front of the palace and they did! baekhyun constantly updated his instagram right after they took pictures that time.

 

in switzerland, they had their first kiss. it was dark. it was nightfall. they were taking a long walk from their accommodation house to rosengarten. the crispiness of the fallen leaves were the only audible sound as well as their calm breathings. as usual, they were walking shoulders to shoulders, feeling the warmth of each other then suddenly chanyeol stopped. tanaw na nila ang dulo ng garden, visible na rin ang city light from up here. naeexcite na si baekhyun, he could say that the view was really breathtaking but what took his breath away was when chanyeol press a soft kiss on his cheek. as if in slow motion, ibinaling ni baekhyun ang tingin from the city lights to the man beside him. his heart started to swell and his stomach started to churn. baekhyun’s first instinct was to run away from chanyeol but what surprised him was the betrayal of his own body from his mind. he tiptoed and returned the kiss to the taller man. saksi ang mga kuliglig, hangin at dahon sa halik na inilapat ni baekhyun sa labi ni chanyeol. sobrang tamis ng mga ngiti nila nung nagpatuloy silang akyatin ang rosengarten.

 

in switzerland, they dined at rosengarten’s restaurant merrily while enjoying the view of the town. the aare river was shining under the moonlight, the clock tower’s chime can be heard, the light buzz of people was somewhat calming, the foods were great. okay lahat. they loved it. hindi man aminin pero they know it themselves.

 

that night at the top of rosengarten, chanyeol and baekhyun understood why people love bern _but it was still a mystery for them how two people fell in love in bern._

 

_\----_

 

chanyeol did not check all of his social media accounts during their stay in switzerland. kaya naman laking gulat nya noong binuksan nya ang wifi and was bombarded with messages in messenger, tagged posts and dms in instagram.

 

una nyang chineck ang mga tagged photos from baekhyun and _damn_ , all of their photos taken in switzerland were asthetically pleasing. sobrang ayos din ng instagram feed ni baekhyun. all in all, they were nine instagram posts, some of those ay kasama si chanyeol sa picture. one photo caught his interest; their feet. the caption says, “ _with this man”._  sumakit yata ang pisngi ni chanyeol sa sobrang laki ng ngiti nya.

 

after switzerland, nasundan yun ng mga impromptu na yayaan. same old, same old. gigs, kain sa labas okaya naman ay sa bahay, inuman, out of the country.

 

chanyeol lost count. hindi na sya nag-abala pang bilangin ang mga pagkikita nila.

 

ang occasional yayaan ay naging madalas at nag-upgrade pa na halos araw-araw ay magkasama silang dalawa. they were practically inseparable. kung nasaan ang isa ay nandoon din ang isa. very remarkable ang absence ng isa kapag present ang isa.

 

nasundan din ang kiss from switzerland. they had their second on baekhyun’s apartment, third on chanyeol’s car, fourth on top of chanyeol’s bed. it was unspoken pero alam nila na it was not just an innocent kiss, hindi na iyon momol lang without any strings attached.

 

it was unspoken pero mayroon silang nararamdaman sa isa’t isa but no one dared to name or label it. it was just above them, hanging. because it was safe that way.

 

not until when something happened between them in tottori. mag-iisang taon na silang magkakilala. chanyeol took him in tottori, japan for some relaxation. congratulatory treat na din ni chanyeol kay baekhyun dahil naka-receive ng award si baekhyun at ang article nito written before they went to switzerland. sobrang worn out nilang dalawa after spending the whole day in hakuto beach. they rode camels, sand boarding in sand dunes and swam until they got bronze skin.

 

they were done washing their sweaty and salty body and decided to down couple of canned beers. hindi sila lasing per se, it’s just that no one remembered who leaned in first. basta nalang nilang nalasahan ang labi ng isa’t isa with a hint of bitterness. they stayed like that, they kissed for a few minutes hanggang sa nangawit sila and decided to continue their business on baekhyun’s futon. tanging mahihinang ungol ang maririnig sa apat na sulok ng kwarto nila kapag napapasarap, mahihinang tawa ni baekhyun kapag napapadapo ang ang kamay ni chanyeol sa weak spots nya, malalalim na ungol ni chanyeol kapag nanggigigil si baekhyun sa labi nito.

 

mas lalong walang naka-alala kung sino ang unang nag-tanggal ng damit. the next thing they knew, both their bodies were rocking with the pace they agreed on. tanging halinghing ni baekhyun ang naririnig nya and it sounded so good, so pleasing, yet terrifying. nagulat si chanyeol and he stopped mid-thrust. parang nabuhusan sya ng malamig na tubig at natauhan.

 

“yeol…” bulong ni baekhyun. bukas ang dim light pero pinipilit aninawin ni baekhyun ang mukha ni chanyeol.

 

“chanyeol…” ulit nya. he cupped chanyeol’s face. nakita nya ang pinaghalong takot at guilt sa mukha ni chanyeol. sunod-sunod ang iling ni baekhyun and slightly lifted himself to press a kiss on the latter’s forehead.

 

“m-mali ba ‘to?” chanyeol stuttered. wide-eyed. scared.

 

“it’s fine…” bumalik sa reyalidad si chanyeol and sighed in relief. he thought he was taking advantage of baekhyun that’s why he stopped. baekhyun press another chaste kiss on his lips and nodded.

 

they finished what they have started with a long groan and tight grip. a sigh of contentment was heard. kakaligo lang nila pero heto na naman sila, sweaty and sticky but no one bothered to stand up. baekhyun murmured a raspy _goodnight_ at tumalikod kay chanyeol.

 

that time, naalala ni chanyeol, malinaw na malinaw, he was the one who pulled baekhyun on his chest and hugged him. humarap si baekhyun sakanya at sumiksik. bigla sya nitong kinurot sa tagiliran sabay bulong ng _nakakainis ka._

 

\----

 

nagising si baekhyun na wala ang katabi (at kayakap) nya. unang pumasok sa isip nya ay baka umalis na ito, na-guilty sa ginawa nila. pero napangiti sya nung marinig nya ang boses ni chanyeol, kumakanta, nag-gigitara.

 

dinampot nya yung t-shirt na nakakalat sa sahig at sinuot ito. marahan syang nag-lakad papunta kay chanyeol at umupo sa harap nito. focused si chanyeol notebook na nasa harap nya. tinanguan sya nito nung maramdaman ang presence nya. 

 

“baekhyun, baek. pakinggan mo ‘to.” sabi ni chanyeol habang iniayos ang gitara pati na rin ang notebook na nasa table. tango lang ang naisagot ni baekhyun at matyaga siyang nag-hintay.

 

1...2...3...

 _hindi kita gusto_  
lalong hindi kita trip  
magkaibigan lang tayo

_yun lang…_

same song. same feelings.

 

nakaramdam ng inis at yamot si baekhyun. pero nagulat sya sa mga sumunod na linya.

 

 _ngunit bigla ‘kong nalungkot_  
_nung ikaw ay lumayo_  
_hindi ko namalayan na ang puso ko’y_  
_nabihag mo_

 

chanyeol finished the first verse after a year. he looked at the man across him proudly. chanyeol returned the smile with a toothy grin. baekhyun couldn’t help but to propped his elbow on the table and leaned closer. he just wanted to take a good look of chanyeol’s face; swollen puffy eyes, disheveled hair under his hood. baekhyun leaned more and combed chanyeol’s hair. nalaglag yung hood. he did not hesitate to pull chanyeol’s head and leaned in for a passionate kiss. they parted after a few peck and a bubble of laughter rose.

 

_tottori was known to be a relaxing and healing place but no one knew tottori was a perfect place to fall in love completely._

 

\---- 

 

with all the pambubuyo and pang-aasar ng mga kaibigan nila, they verbally admitted na _yes, they were dating._

 

bago pa sila umamin ay may hinala na ang mga kaibigan ni baekhyun at ni chanyeol. with all the instagram posts and tagged photos in facebook, of course, people knew that something was going between them.

 

marami pa silang napuntahan after tottori; out of town man o out of the country, with their friends or just the two of them. hongkong happened, taiwan happened, bataan, zambales, aurora… kapag walang ganap, it’s just them loitering on each other’s house. madalas sa bahay ni baekhyun sa manila.

 

lumipas ang mga araw, lingo at buwan, sobrang dami na nilang napuntahan. sobrang dami na nilang napagdaanan. naipakilala na sa pamilya ng bawat isa, nakapag-bakasyon na kasama ang pamilya ng bawat isa. then chanyeol and baekhyun decided to live under one roof. they chose baekhyun’s apartment kasi ang hassle kapag sa bulacan pa sila tumira. they shared at everything; monthly bills, groceries, everyday expenses.

 

walang nag-bago sa buhay banda ni chanyeol except they were getting bigger gigs nung mga panahong yun, invited in bigger events, minsan ay sa ibang bansa pa. ganoon pa rin naman, laging kasama si baekhyun. chanyeol also tagged along kapag mangingibang bansa si baekhyun to present or write an article. kapag may oras mag-procrastinate, they would go out, they would make out, they would have sex or would just lie down while whispering i love yous.

 

life was simple.

life was simple _back then_.

 

not until a year later, chanyeol’s band released a full album. every song was topping almost in every music charts. their band became in demand in the local scene. they were invited in every school fair, in every music festival, in every bigger gigs. not only that, baekhyun was proud when it was nominated and won in an annual local music award shows. along with that, while chanyeol and his band was busy performing their songs, baekhyun’s articles received consecutive awards. that was the peak of their relationship, when both of them are being successful with their own career.

 

pareho na silang nakikilala, chanyeol in music scene, baekhyun in publications and magazines. pareho na silang busy; busy to spend time together pero it was still a surprised how they made it work. kung nasaang lugar si chanyeol, nandoon si baekhyun, either nagsusulat or sumusuporta sa boyfriend nya. ganoon din si chanyeol. they really, really made it work. their friends couldn’t believe kung pano nila nagagawa yung ganoong sistema. tinatawanan lang nila.

 

\----

 

they thought that they were matured enough to not always spend time together. akala nila grown ups na sila to the point na _ahh, hindi naman pala kailangan palaging magkasama_ and _ahh, okay lang kahit hindi magkita within a week kasi we’re both busy with our career._

 

pero isang matinding _hindi_ ang sagot.

 

napatunayan ito ng mga iilang away at argumento nila sa kasagsagan ng kasikatan ng banda ni chanyeol at madalas na pag-lipad ni baekhyun pa-ibang bansa. napatunayan ito ng mga maiikli at nagmamadaling tawag nila sa isa’t isa, ng mga dates na madalas ay nauudlot, nare-reschedule at minsan, hindi na talaga natutuloy na naging dahilan ng sumbatan at away na hindi naman dapat palakihin pero pinapalaki nila.

 

napatunayan ito ng mga texts na _nasan ka ba? hindi ka pa ba uuwi_ at mga replies na _wag mo na ‘kong hintayin. uumagahin na kami eh._ dumating na rin sila sa punto na wala nang text at reply.

 

it was even harder for baekhyun when he was at one of china’s cheap hotel, drinking cheap coffee, alone and crying when he was supposed to be writing. it’s not just easy for him to write an article with a high expectation of receiving awards when he was bombarded with dms on instagram and facebook, attached was the picture of chanyeol kissing someone. what hurted him the most was chanyeol kissing a woman…a woman, out of all. _nakakainis._

 

he just sat there at the corner of his hotel room, succumbing to the loneliness the other inflicted to him.

 

\----

 

chanyeol took a flight papunta sa china. there, nadatnan nya ang taong hinahanap nya. halatang puyat at walang tulog, busy tapping his laptop’s keyboard. baekhyun looked up and chanyeol’s heart cleanched really hard.

 

baekhyun just flashed the saddest rectangle smile.

 

kinabahan si chanyeol. nataranta sya sa hindi malamang dahilan. he walked towards baekhyun’s bed at lumuhod sa sahig. he touched baekhyun’s knee with shaking hands. he was shaking his head kahit wala pa namang sinasabi si baekhyun.

 

hindi sya makahinga pero he managed to speak.

 

“baek…baekhyun…wag mo ‘kong iwan. ayusin natin ‘to.” chanyeol cried that afternoon. hanggang sa makatulog ito. he was still slomped on the floor at yung ulo ay nakapatong sa lap ni baekhyun. baekhyun cried, too. habang sinusuklay nya yung buhok ni chanyeol using his fingers, habang pinupunasan nya yung mga bakas ng luha sa mukha nito, habang tinititigan nya ito.

 

paano nya ba mapapatawad si chanyeol? not like this, of course. hindi porket umiyak ito sakanya at naawa sya dito ay papatawarin na nya ito. alam naman nya ang dahilan, nag-explain si chanyeol through dm. he was bombarded with tons of messages and missed calls simula kahapon hanggang kanina.

 

maniniwala ba sya na it was just a mistake? na it was just an accident at walang may gusto? maniniwala ba sya sa mga depensa ng mga kaibigan ni chanyeol at ang kanilang _baekhyun, it was the woman’s fault, don’t blame chanyeol._

 

he was interrupted nang magising si chanyeol. he realized that he was in china nang makita nya si baekhyun na nakatigtig sa kawalan, tears flowing on his cheeks. chanyeol hugged baekhyun’s waist and bury his face on the latter’s tummy.

 

_putangina, mahal na mahal niya si baekhyun. bakit nya nasasaktan ito nang ganito?_

 

nag-iyakan na naman silang dalawa. until baekhyun realized that enough was enough. na hindi mareresolba ang lahat kung hindi nila pag-uusapan. what he did was pull chanyeol on the bed to sit in front of him, parehong naka fold ang kanilang legs. they dried up their tears and talked and talked and talked for hours.

 

may mga pauses para suminghot, para umiyak, para abutin ang kamay ng isa’isa to gripped tighter, tighter than before. they ended up forgiving each other, sa mga nagawa nila at sa mga hindi nila nagawa during their rough times. tapos na ang promotions nila chanyeol, tapos na rin ang article ni baekhyun. they promised to fix whatever was broken that time.

 

habang nag-uusap sila, naramdaman nilang dalawa na sobrang missed na missed nila ang isa’t isa dahil nandoon yung desperation sa bawat _mahal kita, mahal na mahal_ na binibitawan nilang dalawa, nandoon yun emphasis sa bawat _okay na tayo, okay tayo_ dahil feeling nila kapag hindi nila iyon ginawa, mawawala yung assurance sa pagitan nila.

 

nandoon din yun needs na matagal isinantabi ni baekhyun dahil pagod si chanyeol at matagal na tiniis ni chanyeol dahil kailangan ni baekhyun ng tulog.

 

but that time, walang pumigil sakanila. walang gig na kailangan attend-an, walang article na dapat isulat. walang nagulat nung sabihin ni baekhyun na _fuck me._ it was just a matter of seconds bago nag-comply si chanyeol and shed all of his clothes. baekhyun did the same.

 

when baekhyun said _fuck me_ , he meant it. not slowly, not gently, dahil natatakot sya na hindi nya maramdaman si chanyeol that he asked chanyeol to fuck him as hard as he could. chanyeol did. it was intense, it was rough in a way that baekhyun liked it, begged for it, asked for more.

 

baekhyun wanted to do something new so pushed chanyeol down on the bed and hover on top of his lover. chanyeol was shocked, amazed and anticipating what baekhyun will do, can do. they became one for the second time that afternoon…no…nightfall. he rode chanyeol until they reached their climaxes. until their muscles strained, until their bones gave up, until they’re out of breath.

 

ibinagsak ni baekhyun ang katawan nya sa tabi ni chanyeol only to snuggle close and cry again on his chest sabay sabi ng _nakakainis_ _ka._

 

that. that was just _one_ of their big fights.

 

\---- 

 

lumipas ang mga buwan, okay sila. balik sa dati. pero this time, si baekhyun ang busy. si baekhyun ang hindi nakakarating sa mga dates, si baekhyun ang hindi nagrereply at nagtetext, si baekhyun ang madalas makalimot.

 

 _okay lang._ sabi ni chanyeol noon sa sarili nya.

 

okay lang dahil noon, si chanyeol ang wala, si baekhyun ang naghihintay.

 

one time, nasa osaka sila dahil sa biglaang invitation from their close friend na may-ari ng restobar doon. their friend offered them a good deal kaya lumipad agad sila chanyeol doon. they will stay there for a week. sumunod si baekhyun sa osaka.

 

hindi na nakakagulat dahil brand na nila yun; kung nasaan ang isa, nandoon ang isa. chanyeol thought their stay there will be fun, na pwede silang gumala ni baekhyun somewhere in osaka. pero hindi. _hindi._

 

hindi, dahil may sinusulat na panibagong article si baekhyun.

 

hindi, dahil if not writing, tulog si baekhyun kapag aalis na si chanyeol to perform.

 

hindi, dahil cramming na si baekhyun.

 

“nag-punta ka dito para magsulat?” chanyeol said one time pagkalabas nya ng shower. hindi pa sila nag-uusap nang matino ni baekhyun two days pagka-arrive nito sa osaka.

 

biglang nag-snap ang ulo ni baekhyun and looked at him sharply. with that, narealize ni chanyeol na maling salita ang sinabi nya, maling tanong ang sinabi nya, at mali ang timing ng pagtatanong nya.

 

“i have a deadline to meet, alam mo iyon.” baekhyun let it slide and went back in typing. pero rumachada pa si chanyeol. hindi nya napigilan ang sarili nya.

 

“sana hindi mo na dinala sa osaka yung trabaho mo.” tinalikuran nya si baekhyun sabay hagis ng maruming damit sa hamper. hindi nya nakita ang expression ni baekhyun. nagulat sya nang pumunta sa harap nya si baekhyun.

 

red-faced. angry. hurt.

 

“pumunta ako dito para sayo, minamadali ko yung trabaho ko para sayo, pero bakit parang hindi mo nakikita yun?” baekhyun said. he was hurt more than angry at kitang kita iyon sa mukha nya. naiiyak na rin si baekhyun. kapag mataas na ang tono ng boses nila, nagpapanic na si baekhyun, nag-ooverthink na yan. but chanyeol, chanyeol did not bother to consider those and blurted the words na tatapos sa kanila at sa relasyon nila.

 

“sino ba kasi nag-sabi sayo na sumunod ka dito?” chanyeol himself was taken aback sa sinabi nya. it was an angry tone, nandoon yung yabang, yung pride and he knew, that summer night in osaka, he couldn’t take his words back.

 

una-unahang tumulo ang luha sa pisngi ni baekhyun, unti-unting namula ang labi ni baekhyun na kagat-kagat nya noong gabing iyon. he sighed deeply and walked out of chanyeol’s sight. he turned around after a few beats only to see baekhyun silently packing his clothes, gathering his things, closing his laptop, take his belongings and walked out the door.

 

“akala ko kasi kailangan mo ‘ko dito, that’s why I followed you here. you said— chanyeol, you said _see you in osaka,_ i—i really thou—“ baekhyun wasn’t able to finish his sentence instead, nagmadali syang lumabas ng hotel room leaving a speechless and gaping chanyeol.

 

that one summer night in osaka, that warm summer night in japan, chanyeol was left there frozen, skeptical.

 

_who would have thought that summer in osaka would be this cold and chilly._

 

\---- 

 

umuwi si chanyeol sa pilipinas nang hindi nya alam kung saan at papaano mag-sisimula ulit.

 

gusto nyang hanapin si baekhyun, gusto nyang halughugin ang buong ka-maynila-an makita lang ito pero gusto rin nyang bigyan ng oras si baekhyun at syempre ang sarili nya para mag-isip at mag-pahinga sa walang hanggang kapakyuhan na nangyayari sakanila for the past few months.

 

at isa pa, ni hindi nya nga alam kung nasan si baekhyun. kung nandito ba sa pinas o nasa osaka pa rin o baka lumipad pa-ibang bansa.

 

_tangina, nakakainis._

 

chanyeol fucked up once nung nasa china sila, how come he’d let himself fuck everything up again and again and again. naiisip nya na silang dalawa ni baekhyun for the rest of their lives, magkasama. but where did things go wrong? saan ba sya nagkamali? saan ba sila nagkulang? saan ba sila sumobra?

 

\----

 

hinanap nya si baekhyun. hinabol habol nya si baekhyun. he even contacted baekhyun pero wala, hindi ito sumasagot, be it call or text or dms. hindi ito active sa lahat ng social media nito. bakante na rin ang apartment nito sa manila, pati sa bahay nila sa cavite ay hindi sya pinapasok.

 

he asked jongdae and kyungsoo for anything, something na kahit ano basta ma-assure lang sya na buhay si baekhyun, na okay si baekhyun. pero ni isang salita wala syang natanggap.

 

_tol, kung mahal mo, ipaglaban mo._

 

one time, sinabi ito sakanya ng ka-banda nya. but how? paano? kung yung mismong ipinaglalaban nya ay ayaw magpahanap, kung yung mismong hinahabol nya, ayaw magpahabol.

 

parang bang ninakawan sya ng tsansa ng tadhana upang magpaliwanag kay baekhyun. _nakakainis._

 

\----

 

japan reminded him of baekhyun.

and switzerland and taiwan and bulacan.

 

it was like, everywhere chanyeol go, nandodoon palagi si baekhyun. not his presence but his memories, _their_ memories and their laughters. na kahit saan sya magpunta, lagi syang may maaalala.

 

_nakakainis, nakakamiss._

 

on rainy days and cold nights, mas lalo nyang naaalala si baekhyun.

 

they met at the airport one cold midnight.

 

they kissed one cold january in switzerland.

 

they sipped coffee during cold weathers.

 

and ironic how they started feeling something when they were in japan during one chilly midnight and ended the thing they had when they were in japan, too.

 

nagpatuloy ang komplikadong buhay ni chanyeol with the thought of baekhyun. minsan, hindi sya makatulog with all the memories crashing down on him, tipong papikit na sya but baekhyun’s face would flash at the back of his head and it would make him stay up late.

 

minsan, when he was too drunk, naaalala nya ang bawat halik at haplos ni baekhyun. the night they shared in tottori, the kiss that melted their insecurities down in china, the hugs baekhyun gave before their gig starts. simple things pero bakit parang ang hirap kalimutan?

 

_nakakainis, nakakamiss._

 

_\----_

 

their final album made him forget a little bit.

 

nakatulong ito sa proseso ng pagbuo ni chanyeol sa puso’t sarili nya. naging abala ang banda sa pagbuo ng bagong kanta, sa recordings, sa pagpili ng title track, sa pag-conceptualize ng music video. malapit na ang deadline nila pero wala pa ring naiaambag si chanyeol na kanta sa banda.  

 

then may naalala sya bigla.

 

he drove all the way to bulacan para hanapin yung lumang notebook nya. it was in his room hidden somewhere. hinalughog nya yung buong kwarto nya, pati yung kwarto ng ate nya to find that one notebook. nabaliktad nya na yung foam ng kama nya, nabuksan nya na lahat ng drawer at closet nya pero wala pa rin. chanyeol sat on the floor, sweaty and dusty. wala na bang pag-asa na mahanap nya yun?

 

then something caught his attention. gulong. gulong ng lumang suitcase nya. agad nyang hinila ito under his bed and opened it, hoping na nandon yung notebook na hinahanap nya.

 

and for the love of god, akala ni chanyeol okay na sya pero yung laman ng suitcase nya proved him wrong. nandoon lahat ng gamit nila ni baekhyun.

 

old shirts, old pajamas, mga souvenirs from other places, yung mga 5r pictures nila ni baekhyun na prinint nya before para sa anniversary nila, yung cork ng wine na ininom nila nung nag-top yung album nila chanyeol at nag-celebrate sila ( _lagay mo sa maleta mo, pampabango yan)_ , yung mga regalo ni baekhyun nung birthday nya, yung mga polaroids, lumang phones na nalaglag sa dagat nung nag baler sila, yung kutsara at tinidor ng jollibee na aksidenteng naiuwi ni baekhyun, yung…at yung notebook na hinahanap nya.

 

_putangina, baekhyun, miss na kita, mahal pa kita._

 

kinuha nya yung lumang gitara nya, binuksan nya yung notebook at nagsimulang mag-sulat.

 

despite of the mess around him, nakahanap ng katahimikan si chanyeol. sabi nya sa sarili nya, na ito na, ito na ang huling beses na gagawin nya ito para sa pagmamahal. pagkatapos nito, aalis na si chanyeol sa banda. ito na ang huli.

 

_para sa’yo ito, baekhyun._

 

\----

 

natapos ang kanta. natapos ang recording. natapos and filming ng music video. last gig na nila next week sa may bulacan sports complex. kasabay nito ang mv launching nila. _last gig_ dahil magkakanya-kanya na sila. yung iba pamilyado na, yung iba gusto na mag-settle, at si chanyeol plano maging vocal trainer. suportado ito ng buo crew kaya malakas ang loob ni chanyeol.

 

one week bago ang gig nila pero heto sya sa airport, lilipad papuntang japan.

 

isang taon na rin naman ang nakalipas kaya wala na sakanya yung nangyari sa japan, nasasabi na nya ito ng walang halong pait at lungkot. tingin na rin naman nya ay okay na sya.

 

pero yun ang akala nya.

 

he was about to take a seat in one of the unoccupied bench. pag-ikot nya, nakita nya si baekhyun.

 

si baekhyun.

_tangina, si baekhyun._

 

who would have thought na magkikita pa ulit silang dalawa after a year? no one. syempre, no one.

 

chanyeol offered a warm smile and as usual, baekhyun returned it with a rectangle one. baekhyun stood in front of him at akmang uupo na ito sa katapat na bench pero chanyeol pulled him into a familiar warm hug.

 

 _home._ unang naisip ni baekhyun. _this was my home just a year ago._ he thought.

 

they stayed like that. magkayakap in the middle of departure’s waiting area.

 

they stayed like that at bumalik lahat. yung init ng yakap na dala nilang pareho sa isa’t isa when they were in tottori, when they were in china, when they were slumbering at baekhyun’s apartment or sa bahay nila chanyeol sa bulacan. with that, baekhyun gasped. para syang nalulunod sa mga alaala nila ni chanyeol, he needed to breathe so he gasped again and again.

 

but gasping turned into sobbing and they were a goddamn mess in the middle of the waiting area. chanyeol was trying to stop himself from crying, ayaw nyang parehas silang mag-crumble into pieces. he needed to be strong for the two of them kahit alam nyang huli na ang lahat para magpakatatag. baekhyun was clawing chanyeol’s shirt, still sobbing.

 

maya maya ay sunod-sunod na palo sa dibdib ang natanggap ni chanyeol mula sa dating nobyo. he was saying something chanyeol couldn’t understand hanggang sa lumakas ang boses ni baekhyun at lumakas din ang palo nito sa dibdib nya.

 

“nakakainis ka! _nakakainis ka, chanyeol. nakakamiss ka, chanyeol_. i hate you and your guts. i hate the way you hugged me. nakakainis ka. nakakainis ka kasi hanggang ngayon mahal kita.” he said, almost screaming. chanyeol took all the blow of baekhyun fist. wala na syang pake. mas lalo nyang hinigpitan ang yakap kay baekhyun hanggang mapagod ito at tumigil sa pag-iyak. they sat on the bench and tried to calm down.

 

“mahal mo pa din ako?” chanyeol broke the silence.

 

“tangina mo.” nanlulumo na sagot ni baekhyun, blowing his nose sa tissue paper. “i just blurted out na mahal pa kita kanina, ano pa bang validation kailangan mo?”

 

“sorry.” chanyeol just said. at naalala nya na baka ito ang kulang sa kanila. validation at assurance na mahal nila ang isa’t isa.

 

“baek, i—“

 

“stop, chanyeol. ayoko na marinig.” baekhyun cut him agad agad.

 

“nung niyakap kita at niyakap mo ko pabalik, alam natin sa sarili natin na sumugal ulit tayo.” chanyeol said, confused. another chance snatched away from him.

 

hindi man aminin ni baekhyun, chanyeol was right.

 

the year they spent healing their broken hearts was a whole lie dahil all along, mahal pa rin nila ang isa’t isa. na walang saysay ang isang taon nilang pagm-move on dahil deep inside, mayroon paring nakasabit na feelings na konting kalabit lang ay bibigay na ulit silang dalawa, they were just keeping it at the deepest part of their heart, pushing it at the back of their minds.

 

pero tama ba na tanggapin nila ang isa’t isa ulit? worth it ba ang pag-sugal nila na ito? will it work this time? or just another opportunity for them to tear each other apart to the point na baka sa huli ay hindi na nila mabuo ang mga sarili nila?

 

with that kind of look, baekhyun was contemplating. baekhyun was hesistating. baekhyun was doubting. pero nilakas ni chanyeol ang loob nya.

 

“bulacan sports complex, 10pm. last gig ng banda.”

 

“chanyeol, i—hindi ko alam.” umiling si baekhyun. once, twice, thrice, sunod-sunod. an indication na baka wala na talaga, na baka _yes,_ mahal sya ni baekhyun, mahal pa sya ni baekhyun but his former lover wanted to move forward by not giving his heart again. chanyeol nodded at his old lover and flashed a sad smile. sad smile matching baekhyun’s when they were in china.

 

now that he was reminded with that smile, gustong umiyak ni chanyeol, gusto nyang lumuhod at umiyak sa lap ni baekhyun just like what he did in china, one afternoon. gusto nyang yakipin ang beywang ni baekhyun at isubsob ang mukha sa tiyan nito. gusto nyang sabihin na _wag mo ‘kong iwan, aayusin natin ‘to._

 

instead, chanyeol leaned closer at bumulong sa tainga ni baekhyun.

 

“always remember we fell in love in switzerland but note that I liked you already one cold midnight in japan. i loved you even more when i had you in tottori, baekhyun, i loved you, i love you, i am still loving you. kahit saan ako magpunta, ikaw ang mahal ko at mamahalin ko.”

 

\----

 

after that, chayeol’s flight was called. baekhyun was left in the waiting room sobbing and crying and falling even harder.

 

_chanyeol, i loved you from the very start._

 

_unspoken words was left hanging in naia. who would have thought na dito sa airport kung saan sila nagkakilala nila makukuha ang closure na isang taon nilang ginusto pero bakit parang ang hirap tanggapin?_

_\----_

 

dumating ang last gig nila chanyeol. maraming tao as expected. tinugtog nila ang buog discography nila lalo na yung album na kakarelease lang.

 

it was their last song. an unsung song that remained mystery sa mga fans nila. ito yung kanta na inilapat nila sa music video na shinoot sa rosengarten sa switzerland. si chanyeol lang ang trumabaho ng buong filming, sya ang nag conceptualize, sya ang nag direct, sya lahat except he brought his bandmate sehun as the videographer. it featured the brown fallen leaves of rosengarten, the greenness of the trees, the roses full in bloom and the man who fell in love with the beauty of bern.

 

chanyeol cleared his throat to catch everyone’s attention or to stop himself from crying. maybe either of the two.

 

“i wrote this song three years ago. it was long forgotten dahil wala naman akong pag-aalayan ng kanta that time. not until few months ago, undecided ang title track and remembered this unfinished song. took me a whole week to actually finish it and arrange it. it came out pretty well, i guess.” hiyawan ang mga tao. chanyeol flashed a small smile bago magsalita ulit.

 

“this song was all about feelings, sa mga nakaraan na feelings, sa mga nasayang na feelings, sa mga nakakamiss na feelings.”

 

kasabay ng muted music video na nagp-play ay ang pagtugtog ng banda ni chanyeol. he gave his best. he gave his heart when singing. ibang iba sa studio version, chanyeol poured every ounce of love he had for baekhyun in this song.

 

 _1_...2...3...

 

 _hindi kita gusto_  
_lalong hindi kita trip_  
_magkaibigan lang tayo_  
_yun lang…_

 

wala sa hinagap ni chanyeol na yung pagkikita nila ni baekhyun sa naia ay masusundan ng hindi mabilang na beses. wala sa hinagap ni chanyeol na gugustuhin nyang makasama si baekhyun habang-buhay. baka sa ibang pagkakataon…baka sa ibang panahon…

 

 _ngunit bigla ‘kong nalungkot_  
_nung ikaw ay lumayo_  
_hindi ko namalayan na ang puso ko’y_  
_nabihag mo_

 

tottori. tottori was the best—yun lang ang masasabi ni chanyeol. hindi dahil may nangyari sakanila ni baekhyun, kung hindi dahil may ilang ulit nilang sinabi na mahal nila ang isa’t isa.

 _nakakainis ka_  
_nakakamiss ka_  
_naiisip ko na tayong dalawa_  
_puwede pala_

 

chanyeol got the chorus part when baekhyun sent him an obvious drunk text saying _nakakainis ka, nakakamiss ka_ one night habang nasa kalagitnaan sya ng pagsususlat ng kanta. he did not dare to reply dahil duwag sya. he did not dare to reply because he did not want the year they spent nursing their broken hearts to crumble into pieces dahil lang sa bugso ng damdamin at impulsive drunk text. 

 

natapos ang kanta. naghiyawan ang mga tao. chanyeol felt empty but relieved. they wraped up their last gig for the band, group pictures with the fans, with the members, with the invited people, with the staffs and crew.

 

ligpitan na pero may biglang may nagpakita.

 

baekhyun was there. standing sa may barrier.

 

chanyeol thought he was hallucinating when he was singing, keep seeing baekhyun’s small frame everywhere. he kept on brushing it off dahil baka masira ang performance nila. but there he was, the small frame he missed, the small frame he wanted to hug, the small frame with delicate features pero nagawang sirain ni chanyeol with careless words.

 

baekhyun walked towards him, sinalubong ito ni chanyeol sa may hagdan sa gilid ny stage.

 

“bakit ka nandito?” he said. and then parang nasa osaka na naman sila. chanyeol was taken aback with his words once again pero hindi nagpakita si baekhyun ng negative na emotion.

 

“akala ko kasi kailangan mo ‘ko dito. should I go?” chanyeol instinctively jumped off of the stage kahit nasa hagdanan na sya. fuck no, not again. he fucked up too many times now at kung hahayaan nya ulit pairalin ang tigas ng ulo nya at pride nya, he’ll lose baekhyun forever.

 

“wag…wag mo ‘kong iwan _ulit_.” chanyeol in his pleading tone. he reached for baekhyun’s forearm, trying to make the smaller man _stay._

 

“kapag sinasabi mo ‘yan, nag-guilty ako. parang ako lagi yung mali.” baekhyun jutted his lower lip and let out an empty laugh. chanyeol sighed at sumenyas sa mga ka-banda nya na mauuna na syang umalis.

 

\----

 

masarap yung toge, masarap yung lugaw at goto, masarap yung sawsawan, bagong prito yung tokwa at baboy, okay yung puto, sakto lang yung lasa nung kutsinta, walang biko pero alam ni chanyeol na mabili yun dito.

 

somewhere along mcarthur highway, sa may crossing ng malolos, sa may maliit na lugawan—nakaupo silang pareho at magkaharap. tahimik na humihigop ng lugaw at goto, kalmadong sinasawsaw ang toge sa suka na manamis-namis.

 

somewhere along mcarthur highway, sa may crossing ng malolos, hindi natiis ni chanyeol ang katahimikan sa pagitan nila. so he cleared his throat and once and for all, he asked baekhyun directly.

 

“bakit ka pumunta?” with that, baekhyun put the toge down. he looks at chanyeol in the most sincere way.

 

“gusto kong sumugal ulit kasama ka.” chanyeol looked back at baekhyun. naisip ni chanyeol kung worth it ba. walang nakakaalam but that night, somewhere along mcarthur highway, sa ilalim ng underpass ng malolos, sa may maliit na lugawan, hawak-kamay silang lumabas at sinamyo ang pang-gabing hangin. they drove to chanyeol’s family house, they snuggled close on chanyeol’s bed, they stole kisses on each other’s lips, nothing more.

 

chanyeol was bombarded with dms and pms both on facebook and instagram, saying their regards and kudos because their song, the one chanyeol wrote, _the one chanyeol wrote for baekhyun_ , was topping the music charts.

he thought of the possible awards they might snatch in year end award shows kahit na alam nyang disbanded na sila by the time na dumating yun but chanyeol was dumb enough, yung lalaking nasa bisig nya ang pinaka-magandang premyo na natanggap nya.

baekhyun congratulated his lover with a long, passionate and breathtaking kiss. they did not do anything that night, only kissing and hugging and whispering all the bullshits they were sorry about.

sa dinami-rami ng mga lugar na napuntahan nilang dalawa, sino nga ba ang mag-aakala na sa bisig ng isa’t isa ay makakaramdam sila ng tunay na ligaya.

 

 

 

 

_wakas_

**Author's Note:**

> salamat! pinilit ko maging happy ending kasi naawa din ako sa sarili ko. 
> 
> i would like to thank: 
> 
> exo's ladder for the tottori part  
> one fine day of super junior in switzerland  
> kopiko blanca  
> smirnoff  
> lugaw sa may tapat namin along mcarthur highway  
> figaro sa may tabi ng bulsu 
> 
> songs (may or may not be included)
> 
>  
> 
> [evee - nakakamiss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ELaEZnXsog)  
> [this band - kahit ayaw mo na](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyk1qp3ALAg)  
> [hulyo - kahit isang saglit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhMHjFKIscw)
> 
>  
> 
> hit me up: [twitter](https://twitter.com/baekaeri06) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/baekaeri06)


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